Still Card Dead

I'm supposed to be writing a tech spec and/or figuring out how to run FirstLogic from DataStage right now. But I don't much feel like it. Instead, I'm going to write about Monday night.

In follow up to my last post, I did, in fact, go play poker at Commerce. When 8:30pm rolled around, I was in between getting in the car and staying planted on the couch to watch nothing in particular on TV. I finally hit the street at about 8:50pm. No traffic so I arrived at the Commerce Casino's valet near 9:20pm.

I have a little superstition that has developed around my arrivals at Commerce. When I leave my car at the valet, I could use any of three casino entrances. The furthest is a short cut along the driveway and would put me right at the lower section where I play. The nearest entry is right next to where I drop off but leads to a hotel registration desk just north of the top section. This is where I normally enter. I realized some time ago that I could not recall ever going through another entrance. Couple that with my history of generally running good and leaving winner at Commerce and a superstition was formed.

But I'm not really superstitious. So this time, when I caught myself heading for the middle thoroughfare, I opted to continue on via its revolving door. Maybe that was the root of my demise...but I don't think so.

I'm still card dead. Its been a week and a half now. That's not very long but, given my intended venture into professional play, its hardly reassuring. Let me be clear. I'm not running bad. If that were the case, I'd have lost a significant amount in my recent sessions with big hands running into bigger hands or big draws. In contrast, I have not been getting cards to even consider playing. So I haven't found much trouble. For instance...

A couple Fridays ago, I went to the Bike. I had not played at the Bike in at least a year and was happy to find a lot of improvements in the top section (that's where they run 3-5NL and above). The tables and chairs are nice and the dealers and floor people seem to really know what they are doing. Unfortunately, I'm not all that fond of the games they run. Their 5-10NL (my game of choice) has a $500 min buy-in with no max. So, depending on the table, it can require a minimum of $1000 in play to play it right.

I put my name of the list for the two 5-10NL games that were running anyway. But after waiting ten minutes, watching both tables, I realized I was not likely going to get a seat at one of them for quite some time. The action was slow and most players seemed very rocky. So I opted to put my name on the list for their 5-5NL game as well. It has a spread buy-in from 300 to 500 so at least there is a cap. But I feared those blinds would make it like a 3-5 game.

After another 5 minutes or so, the board for 5-5NL had grown enough to start another table. I was one of the first to appear and snagged the 2s. Once under way, I realized that this was definitely not like 3-5. Several of the players were aggressive with their preflop bets, typically $40 with no one limping in front, and that style was adopted by the more passive players. It turned out this would play more like a 5-10NL game...good. Unfortunately, as I have been whining about, I didn't find many playable hands without a raise ahead of me. In the long run, I managed to work out a $150 winner for 5 1/2 hours of play.

On the following Wednesday night, I headed back to the Bike. My plans to play tennis with John had fallen through so I figured I might as well do something productive. Poker is productive, right? Right. This time, there was only one 5-10NL game running and there were two open seats. I decided against playing it because players appeared to be giving no action. Everyone was sitting around waiting for the preflop nuts. Once again, I got into a new 5-5NL game. Still card dead, I played well and minimized my down swing through 2 1/2 hours. In the last 30 minutes there, some players packed up and a couple others sat out leaving us 4 handed. We played on for a few rounds which was to my advantage. I had a clear edge on these guys short-handed. I dragged the blinds a few times and got action in one pot that I was able to take down on the turn. After that, the other players decided it best to wait for the 'out' players to return. They did shortly and we played a few hands 6-handed. But I still wasn't finding any cards and I was stuck so I decided to bug out. I cashed out, stuck $160.

Instead of going home, I headed for Commerce. I didn't think there would be much action there because tournaments were running at the Bike. But it was worth a short trek to check it out. Unfortunately, the short trek took a long time. I had never taken the drive between the Bike and Commerce before so I didn't know there is no 5 south connector from the 710 north. I blew past the 5 and turned around at the next off-ramp. Good news: There is a 5s connector from the 710s. How in the...!? Whatever. I made it to the 5 only to find gridlock. The two right lanes were closed nearing the Commerce exit. Turned out they were closed at the exit and it was closed, too.
I started thinking that this entire journey might be a sign that I should just call it a night...but, like I said, I'm not really superstitious and I don't believe in signs (especially the one for the 5s). One exit later and I was back-tracking to the casino. Pulled up to the valet, went through the usual entrance, walked past the top section and was pleased to find the lower section buzzing. However, there was a list for 5-10NL and it was already late. I just wanted to get into action. So I took an immediate seat in a 3-5NL game. I figured I could at least take advantage of the lower class of players even if I didn't get any cards.

And that's the way it went. I played for another 2 1/2 hours and cashed winner for the room but stuck $30 overall. Not bad considering one of the rare big hands I found, KK, fell to pocket JJ. I had disguised my hand preflop by just calling a raise in position. Then I raised him on a Q-high flop. He called and checked a rag on the turn. I moved in for my last $120 into a $240 pot. After sweating over it for about a minute, he called saying, "If you've got queens, you're good." I showed him my kings to which he did not appear happy. The river brought a J and he gleefully turned up his cards to show the winning set. It didn't phase me as I reached into my pocket for a re-buy. The rest of the players at the table were more surprised by the way I handled it than the way the hand came out. I later told them, "Its nothing we haven't seen before. There were two jacks in the deck. So it wasn't a 'miracle.'"

That was my first loss in quite some time. But I was happy with my play and the fact that it was only a small loss. Now we come to Monday. I felt a need to play poker and try to expell the bad-card demons. I arrived at Commerce casino with no trouble this time out. And I landed in a 5-10NL game right away. To my delight, there were a ton of chips in play at this full table. Two guys had over $800, one had about $1100, another had $1800, and the big stack had $2800. That's pretty damned good for a $400 fixed buy-in. Fortunately, these guys were wild and good to give action. Unfortunately, I still wasn't finding any cards. It started to have a physical effect on me, too. I didn't have much to say. Its not my style to sit quietly in a game. However, I would have found it difficult to get a word in since most of the players at this table were motor mouths. My mood was worsened by the subject matter: bad beat stories and critiques of every hand (if you had blah blah, I would have blah blah).

Eventually, the table got down to 5-handed and we asked the floor man to find us seats. There were plenty available for us. I got first pick after drawing the high card (best hand I found all week). So I spotted an empty 3s in a game that was full and appeared to be pretty soft. It was a good read as there were no tough players. But, like the previous table, these guys were yapping about bad beats...and my streak continued. There were raises ahead of me and I woke up with junk. It became apparent that limping was allowed in a lot of pots so I tried to get involved in position with small-mid suited connectors and any suited aces. Too bad I kept finding 6-2o and J-3o. Not much limping for me.

Then I found a couple good starters. After two limpers, I raised to $40 with A-Qo in middle position. Two callers behind then one of the limpers moved all-in for about $240 more. That would just about put me all-in, too. I laid it down, one person called (with 6-4o) and the raiser showed A-Ko. Good laydown on my part but it was painful.

A couple rounds later, I found 9-9 in middle position. There were already three limpers. I decided not to raise because I would have to make it $50 and didn't want to create such a big pot knowing that I would get action. So I joined in the limp-fest. One other guy limped in behind me then one of the blinds raised to $50. I had already planned to call a reasonable raise. This was it. I would also have position on the raiser. However, one of the early limpers reraised to $150. I counted down my chips just because I hadn't had anything to think about all night. But I wasn't ever going to call. I folded. So did the first raiser. The reraiser showed J-J. Another good laydown but still painful.

Two hands later, I picked up T-T. I opened raised to $35 (the extra $5 was a mistake because I thought there was one limper). One player called then the button raise $100 more. I went into the tank to see if I could muster up some gamble or find any reason to put this guy on less than a big pair. At that point, I would have pushed all-in if I thought he had A-K. But I new he had a monster. I folded as did the other player and the button showed K-K. This is gettin' re-god-damned-diculous!

It was more of nothing for a little while longer before I decided to pack it in. I cashed out loser $261. Not bad considering I was just sitting there, bleeding all night. Most people would have dropped a couple buy-ins. So I'm proud of my patience and control. But I still need to get this monkey off my back. A solid winning session is in order. Don't look for it too soon, though. I won't be able to play again this week. But with no plans for the weekend, I'll look forward to another trip to Commerce on Saturday. Pray for me.

SEEYa

Might as well play, I guess

I was planning on working on my '68 after work today. I got in a couple days on it last week and left off needing a brake tool that I happened to have back at my place, not where the '68 is. Low and behold, I forgot to bring it with me today. So I can't make any progress on the car.

Those who like to interpret things like this might say that I sabotaged myself because I didn't really want to do it today. That may be so but it is Monday and what else is there to do? Hmmm. I guess I could go down to Commerce. Even if its dead there, I could still get in a little bit of action which I have been lacking as of late.

I've only played live twice in the last week and a half. And I've been running sort of bad...card dead. I can handle that, though. I think I've been playing really well even without cards. Right now, I just need to get out and throw some cards and chips around. It feels good once I'm there. I let the clock and the outside world go and focus on the task at hand. Win or lose, it seems like the right place to be.

You know what I mean?

SEEYa

"Something That I'm Not"

That's just what I'm listening to right now. It's been a while since any music has actually hit me...cut deep. While at work, I'm listening to Megadeth's The System Has Failed and I'm feeling pretty damn good. The most relaxed I've been in several days. I think I'll listen to Youthanasia in the car when I go for lunch.

I remember when Cryptic Writings came out. I was still living in San Diego. I swear I listened to that CD every day for 3 months. Not exclusively, but a lot. Some of the songs and the overall vibe from that album really synced with me. It was a great time. Gigantour 2006 is on the horizon so maybe another great time will follow. I ended up missing G.2005...I don't remember why...I only remember that sucked to have to pass on it with tix in hand. So I will be there this year by hook or by crook. I'm also going to try to go to G.2006.EU if Dave takes it to Ireland.

I've been intending to go to IRE soon anyway. That would be a perfect trip.

For now, I'm still here at work with nothing to do. Like I mentioned, I feel a hell of a lot more relaxed today. That is partly do to some comforting words from friends who believe in me but aren't pushing. That's awesome. One thing that was in the back of my mind was the upcoming August Extravaganza Tournament at Chumash. Its the same longer-format tourney that they run three times during the year but they've raised the buy-in to $500. $350K guaranteed prize pool with, I think, $100K guaranteed for 1st.

The thought of starting off my career as a poker player with a tourney expense is not what I had in mind. I'm going to play it for sure. But, since I've never gone deep in this one, I think of it as $500 in the hole (almost down the drain). I'm completely confident with my abilities and chances to cash and even win the tourney. But let's be honest...with a field of 700 to 800, anything can happen.

At any rate, I've settled into the idea of waiting for my Bullitt to be repaired before making the big jump. During the meanwhilst, I'm going to play cash games at the Bike and Commerce and try to play a couple tournaments. I'm going to start it all off by purchasing my seat for the Chumash event (they have made it available online). I'm hopnig for a decent run in the next two weeks to pad my bankroll and help me feel more secure in my plan, leading toward the final decision.

SEEYa

What? Oh, OK.

I've been avoiding writing today (and my mini post yesterday was just an attempt to appease the loyal3) but here it goes. I don't want to blow any credibility that I may have because I wrote that I was going to give notice at work last Friday. Didn't do that. Then I said I was going to do it on Monday. Didn't do that.

The truth is, it's the only thing I think about now. Can't get it out of my head...actually, I'm not trying to get it out of my head because I really do want to quit and play poker full time. I would say that the car accident has thrown me off track except that I'm not sure if that is true. But I think it has had some effect. I know I'll feel better after I get my Bullitt back and have paid all the bills that come of it. Unfortunately, that could take another week and a half. With my mind spinning and my stomach wrenching over this decision, I might have a complete breakdown before then.

I swear I'm going to do this. I've always felt I was meant to do more with my life than just work from 9-5 (or 10:ish to 4:30ish in my case) like perform. My father was an actor and singer. He was amazing. I know the feelings he had when he was on stage in front of an audience because I've been there myself. I've acted and sung although not with much talent. I've also played music for a crowd...when I was a kid. I still tinker with toons from time to time.

I don't know if I will ever become a real actor or musician. That's not even on the top of my list. But I know I won't ever do it until I leave this cubicle. I love poker and I'm really good at it. It can also be a means to performing because I would have more time (on my own schedule) to play quitar and sing and get involved with an acting group.

I won't lie. This whole thing is a bit scary. But I will do it, damn it! More when there is more.

SEEYa

Embrace who you truly are, and the rest will follow...

...That is a quote from Wil Wheaton. It sums up everything that I have been trying to zero in on about myself and life.

That's all. I just wanted to post that here for show and tell and future reference. I also wanted to give Wil credit for that piece of inspiration.

SEEYa

Remember...Friday is Chicken Day

I had made the decision yesterday that I would give my notice at work today, Friday. I mean I was really happy to have come to that point. I was ready to do it. I still am. But I'm not going to. Allow me to explain the circumstances.

I found myself in back-to-back meetings yesterday that would normally bore and frustrate me. Instead, I was quite relaxed knowing that I would not be doing this anymore in just over two weeks. It fealt really good.

Then my day took a somewhat tragic turn. On my way home, I was involved in an accident. A car made a left turn in front of me as she was trying to cross traffic and enter a commercial driveway. Other stopped cars gave her room to get through but there was no one in my lane. So I was cruising. Neither of us saw the other until she had pulled into my lane. She slowly came to a stop and I down-shifted and slammed on my brakes. I could see I was not going to stop in time so I quickly checked to see that the sidewalk was clear of pedestrians (there was a wall of cars on my left). I had an opening to try and make it into the driveway that she had been heading toward. letting off the brake to allow the tires to grab, I made a hard right getting as much into the driveway as I could. But her car was blocking enough that I had to send my right side up the curb just prior to the driveway.

The Bullitt slammed over the curb hard but was able to narrowly avoid contact with her car. Drifting into the parking lot, I was in an expected state of shock. I was even more shocked when the other driver pulled up next to me and stopped. She asked if I was OK. I said yes but, after looking at the right side of my car...maybe not. Both passenger side rims were damaged and the front tire flat. She thought she had done nothing wrong because the others cars had let her through. She also said she was late for class (a college student) and had to go.

At first, she didn't want to give me any of her info. She is young and inexperienced and didn't want to do anything that she shouldn't. I gave her my phone so she could call her father but she could not get a hold of him. I told her again that I needed her info. When she continued to avoid it, I indicated that we had to or "the police would have to become involved." I wasn't trying to threaten her. It was just a fact. If she tried to leave me high and dry, I would simply get her plate number and give them a call.

Fortunately, there was a man in the parking lot who saw the accident and assured her that what I was saying was correct. He was also a witness and handed me his name and number. That was a big relief right off. Eventually, she and I did exchange all our information. She also managed to contact her father. I had no problem waiting for him to arrive since I wasn't going anywhere until I changed the front wheel out for the spare. It was only for her peace of mind that I waited on him. Of course, when he finally arrived, he asked what happened and told me my damage was my fault. I said, "Is that why you came here? To tell me it's my fault?" He said a few other things as I waved him off and went to my trunk for the spare tire. And, even though it was my fault according to him, he stepped back over to me and said he would "help" me with some of the repair. Rrrrrriiiiiight.

No way, man. I know better than that. I used to be a claim investigator/adjuster. I'll get it repaired faster through my insurance and they can go after her or her insurance provider.

That night, John came over to play tennis. I told him about my plan to quit my job today. He was surprised at first but understood what I was talking about. I said I might chicken out and he replied, "You won't." That was a great vote of confidence. But he also suggested another option...ask for a leave of absence from work. I had read up on this in the HR manual but didn't really consider it a viable option. Its generally intended for people who need family leave...pregnancy or death. But, then again, it couldn't hurt to ask if I am going to quit anyway. So I'm going to do that.

However, seeing as I had to come in late today so I could take my car to a shop and get a rental, I don't think this is the best day to be requesting a LOA. I'm also feeling a little vulnerable knowing I'll have to pay for some of the repair to my car (they prorate the value of the tires based on wear). So a paycheck is a welcome concept today.

I stewed over this decision last night. Lying in bed for a couple hours, I decided to get up and check out my finances. I looked online at my bank balances and counted all the cash I had on hand. I hoped knowing exactly where I am at now and will be at in a week would help ease my mind. It did somewhat.

But I have decided to remain 100% employed for the weekend. I'm going to request LOA on Monday. If they aren't agreeable, I will give them two weeks notice. My pulse is racing a bit just thinking about it. Its a very exciting time.

SEEYa

Some Reasons to Do It

A day later and I honestly feel closer to taking the leap. I'm thinking along a more positive track today. Here are some reasons why I should feel OK with trying that I tend take for granted:

1) I have been a consistent winner in NLH cash games over the last year and have amassed a nice little bankroll while only playing occassionally. I know I'm better than most players and have as good a chance as anyone to be successful.
2) I have friends and family that I can count on. I don't intend to let myself get down to the felt but its good to know I have people who care and will lend a hand if I ask. (Although I'm not the kind of person to borrow from anyone so I just won't let it go that far.)
3) I know many people who have jobs outside of the corporate world that pay much less than mine. They get along just fine. Hell, I used to get along just fine when I was making a third as much and living in the red. One friend in particular, my bfam, is a source of inspiration. He doesn't make a ton of money and doesn't even like his job (but he does like the people he works with...that's important). Yet he keeps on keepin' on. And he has a better attitude than I.

So its all about taking life by the throat instead of letting life stand with a foot on yours.

It also dawned on me that it would help if I disliked the people that I work for as I have in almost every job prior to this. But here, all the bosses with whom I have any contact are good people. If I still worked for DickHead, I'd be out the door before I could click 'Publish Post.'

Stay tuned. This is getting interesting.

SEEYa

Perhaps a New Outlook Will Get Me There

No longer does a day go by when I don’t think about quitting my job and playing poker full time. But there are several pieces of logic that seem to give me enough reason stay in my 9-5 rut. They are:

1) A steady pay check with medical benefits. I rarely use the benefits but it’s nice to know they are there.
2) A healthy paying job. I get paid very well, even for what I do. From what I have seen online and around me, I don’t think I will likely be able to find another company that pays as well as this one does for what I do. I only consider this on the possibility of having to re-enter the work force should the poker career not work out.
3) They pay me to do almost nothing. I’m in the office right now. That should be a good indication of how little there is for me to do. After a week of vacation, it took a whopping 10 minutes to get caught up on my email. Now I’m back to pay-to-play…sort of. As always, I can’t really complain about that.
4) I’m more skilled than almost everyone around me. That is only a plus in the job security column. (It’s also a negative because I’d rather be surrounded by people who I respect and can learn from.)

Those seem like pretty good reasons, right? They are. But I came up with them to hold myself back. To avoid possible financial failure. I’ve been living in the black for so long that I don’t know how to take risks anymore. So I have been trying to understand how other people take risks by gathering insight into how they look at it.

So far, it just appears to be a difference in personality types. I am cautious and calculating and have never been entirely on my own. While in Maui, I met several people who had uprooted and moved to the Island weeks or days after their first visit. I’ve never been able to do anything like that. The closest I ever came was in college. But even then I only went from L.A. to San Diego. I drove home a lot so I didn’t really move away. And I knew it was only temporary. When I graduated, I moved back home. Anyway, I could see myself living in Maui or Vegas but I am not likely to make such a leap. It’s just the way I am.

There was, however, a concept I picked up while on vacation. It came from one of the transplants I met. He said something along the line of “I know I’ll get what I need to survive.” I’ve heard ideas like that before but it is usually from a 12-stepper who is still trying to believe it himself. It also usually has a spiritual connotation like “God will provide.” But, this time, it was different. While he is a 12-stepper, it probably helped that this guy is a techie by trade like me. It seemed like he meant that he knows his own ability to perform and earn a living based on his own merit. I like that because I think I am capable of adapting, adopting, and improving. So I can hold my own. When push comes to shove, I will be OK.

But that is not enough to get me out the door. I need a different perspective. And I think I have found it.

What if I wanted to start a business of my own, making and selling a product that I love? (One of the down sides to my current job, or any that I’ve held, is that I am not emotionally vested.) Let’s say I know what the product is and how to make it. I also have the means to start the business, i.e. capital. All of that would put me ahead of millions of people who do not like their jobs but don’t know what else they might want to do. I wouldn’t be stuck and it would be a shame if I stayed where I was and wasted my abilities.

That is kind of where I am now. I know what I want to do and have the knowledge and means (stake) to do it. Couple that with the “I know I’ll get what I need” concept and I could go bust in 3 months but still land on my feet. I have no reason to think otherwise.

My Loyal Three know I have written about this before. But I swear I am so much closer to actually doing it. I wrote this so I won’t forget.

SEEYa

Aloha, bitches!

I'm back. What's that? You didn't know I was gone? Well that's probably because I didn't write about my vacation before leaving. I spent a week in Maui and did mostly nothing. It was glorious.

Each day I woke up around 10am (I love living without an alarm clock) and started things off with a complimentary breakfast buffet. Then I headed back to my room and let the food settle for about half an hour before going to work out. The resort's fitness center is the best I have ever seen in a hotel. And the lack of other people in the gym made my time in there like a vacation within a vacation. After working out, I lied on the beach or poolside for 1 or 2 hours. Oh, man, am I ever tanned.

It was everything I had hoped for...and less (in this case, less is more). But now I'm back at work. As I expected...still nothing for me to do. And with most people having taken the day off to make for a 4-day weekend (including July 4 tomorrow), I won't be hanging around here for long. This evening, I'll be off to Scott's house to see my godson and watch fireworks.

I've already written more than I had expected since I'm not really in a writing mood. But I intend to resume later and go into detail about my time on Maui. Oh, yeah... I will also be writing about a poker tourney/party for my friend Jeff's 30th. Kid and Joe were there and we played cards 'til the sun came up.

SEEYa